From the moment I woke up this morning time felt like it went slow. Hearing my phone vibrate next to me, knowing he is calling pushed a hole in my chest, but I still didn’t answer it. I know it will snowball into something just as painful later. Just has I was feeling better, I am back to square one. Food escapes me as well. Lost weight the past 7 days. I’m trying so hard to function, but I can’t get enough space to stumble back onto my feet. If he wants me to “let go” and be friends eventually I need time. I can’t be like him and be BFF 24 hours after having a hole punched in my heart. I’m so tired. Everyone is in some way been telling me, to ignore him right now. That I will need to force space in between us. For my own sanity and health. Especially, if this is what he really wants. I can’t give him a time when I will be “over him”. Love is something you don’t get over in 24 hours. No matter how many times you lie to yourself and stories you tell yourself repeatedly, love isn’t a game.
You don’t wake up one day and stop loving someone. You don’t go from, “You are my everything. I love you so much”, to “I don’t love you anymore like that. I have feelings for someone else” over night. How sick and cruel does someone have to be to do that to someone? Can someone please explain, why people do that? Why? I am begging someone to help me understand. Shit, or was I just sooo stupid and gullible to TRUST him and believe in him. A good woman can be so jaded and hate love for all that it’s worth. Hell, I can see why people give up on it. The pain as no words. It just stops time as your body eats itself to survive. You try to find air so you can feel your chest move again. I guess you can say it’s like being held under water. Where everything is blurry and you’re struggling to move to reach the surface for air. Even if you manage to reach the surface, swimming for land is going to be rough. The waves are like the up and downs of life. They hit hard, and even sometimes drag you back underwater again.
I do know what I am worth. I see it. It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to first, swim my way to land to stand so I can walk the path I need too. Right now I am just hanging on to realize I need to eat, but food right now is something that is on the path of letting go. An the realization of that is just painful. God, I have a long path a head of me. So, here goes nothing…