Starting over…again.

Just I am at a point, that instead of repeating myself to people over and over, I figured I will just go back to this.  What people need understand is, that I don’t have all the damn answers to WHY he left. I can only go by what I do know and guess the rest. So people need to please stop fucking asking me, I don’t know completely why. And guessing the rest is just out of pure pain. Just a reaction to the pain and utter confusion of it all.  So, in a nutshell, reading to much into it and letting my mind take over. Overthinking it all is the worse. I am replaying conversations over over figuring out what the fuck happened. Shit, even replaying the what ifs. Then someone asked me, what would you say to him if he was willing to listen just listen. I thought about this for days so I am going to wing this…



I don’t even know where to start. I can’t get myself to be mad at you or hate you. Shit would be so much fucking easier to be either mad or hate you, but I can’t.  I told you, I understand your reasons, but thinking about it, I understand to a point. Cause a lot of shit contradict everything you told me. Hell, you even told me you knew how lucky you had it with me, that you knew what you had. So, you have to understand my confusion.  I told you I was ok with the life, I was willing to go a far as you needed me too. I understand and I get it.. I am patient and the most loyal in that respect. Total ride and die. Shit, even people close to you wish they had what you did. That they were looking for a girl like me. So, a few people don’t understand why you left either.

Now I don’t know if you are doing this to protect me from it all, or think I can go do better or what. I am not going to dig for answers anymore, cause the mental and emotional shit it leaves me in is surprisingly jacked up. I am not going to beg for you to come back, or ask you too. If you ever truly meant everything you ever told me, you will come back on your own and that door is always open. Also, I will be ok. You know my strength. Just know, you will always have that love with me, that friendship, that ride and die and I will always have your back. I’m just at a point of I am going to do me. I will be single for a while. Only thing I request is, you don’t talk ill of me or let anyone else. I don’t deserve it. Lastly, you are far from a fuck up. ❤






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