Hello, again.

So,  here I am again stumbling back into the deep pits of laying out my words on a screen for all the world to see.  It has been a long time since I have been able to put whats on my mind onto paper, so to speak that is. I guess, life as brought me to this point again. Truthfully, I don’t know where to even start. I am just looking at my screen itching to spill what’s been dying to come out but words escape me.  This is not easy. I am fighting with myself to open my mind and let the world see the pain, dreams and anger. Though I know the eyes that will be reading these words will come back to haunt me. Or will it? Hell, I don’t even know how long or how much I will up date this. All I do know, writing words down on paper is a lot better than downing a bottle of a very delicious aged wine (or booze for that matter).

 

I have people ask me, “How can you go through so much, and function?”. Well, it’s all the matter of strength and will power. Fuck, hell I don’t fucking know myself. I just put one foot in front of me. Some days I am in a daze, some days I see clearly, other days I fall down a lot. But I always manage to get up. How? Again, I don’t fucking know. I feel like I need to scream and punch, slap and down right have a nervous break down. Just when I am about too, I put on a straight face and function. It’s not healthy, I know. Just hard when your friends and loved ones are everything to you, and something as fear can change everything. Even words that are said in anger and not meant in context, changing your out look on the person whom has said it to you. It can be a game changer. Is it for the good or bad? Only time can tell. Truthfully, I want to disappear for a while. Just if I do, people will think I left them and will no longer want to be in my life for odd stupid reason. Life for me right now is a mess, emotionally anyway.

 

Well, I’m tired. So, I will continue this tomorrow.

 

-A

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