Starting over…again.

Just I am at a point, that instead of repeating myself to people over and over, I figured I will just go back to this.  What people need understand is, that I don’t have all the damn answers to WHY he left. I can only go by what I do know and guess the rest. So people need to please stop fucking asking me, I don’t know completely why. And guessing the rest is just out of pure pain. Just a reaction to the pain and utter confusion of it all.  So, in a nutshell, reading to much into it and letting my mind take over. Overthinking it all is the worse. I am replaying conversations over over figuring out what the fuck happened. Shit, even replaying the what ifs. Then someone asked me, what would you say to him if he was willing to listen just listen. I thought about this for days so I am going to wing this…

 

Hun..

I don’t even know where to start. I can’t get myself to be mad at you or hate you. Shit would be so much fucking easier to be either mad or hate you, but I can’t.  I told you, I understand your reasons, but thinking about it, I understand to a point. Cause a lot of shit contradict everything you told me. Hell, you even told me you knew how lucky you had it with me, that you knew what you had. So, you have to understand my confusion.  I told you I was ok with the life, I was willing to go a far as you needed me too. I understand and I get it.. I am patient and the most loyal in that respect. Total ride and die. Shit, even people close to you wish they had what you did. That they were looking for a girl like me. So, a few people don’t understand why you left either.

Now I don’t know if you are doing this to protect me from it all, or think I can go do better or what. I am not going to dig for answers anymore, cause the mental and emotional shit it leaves me in is surprisingly jacked up. I am not going to beg for you to come back, or ask you too. If you ever truly meant everything you ever told me, you will come back on your own and that door is always open. Also, I will be ok. You know my strength. Just know, you will always have that love with me, that friendship, that ride and die and I will always have your back. I’m just at a point of I am going to do me. I will be single for a while. Only thing I request is, you don’t talk ill of me or let anyone else. I don’t deserve it. Lastly, you are far from a fuck up. ❤

 

-A

 

 

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No Words…

Dear “Hubby”,

 

I am trying to justify my actions and I can’t. The whole thing leading up to that moment, I have no words.  All I can say is, I am so deeply sorry.  Just shit for me boiled over at that moment and I unleashed it on you. There are no excuse for that. The guilt and pain of your reaction to what I did is something now I have to live with.  As you know, I don’t handle pain very well. Well, emotional pain anyway.  I guess even anger.

 

I really don’t blame you for what you did. I know protecting those you care about is something that is top priority, even if it’s from yourself and from your life. Granted, I know you telling yourself, “I don’t give a fuck anymore! Fuck her!” is a way you are trying to deal with it and justify your actions towards me right now.  No matter how cold one is, if they ever felt real love and connection with someone, shit like this will eat at them and you will never fully let go.  You have to much on your plate to even have me/us on your radar right now, which is fine. I don’t know what the future holds. Not even for myself. I will keep it 100% real with you, I don’t know if I will be ok. I don’t know if I were to walk out my door if my past or yours will catch up to me and I will be flying high. Either way,  don’t worry about me.  My inner strength will stump my ass and come out with life lessons. Won’t be easy not talking to you everyday anymore. I will for a while worry if you are ok or not, but I will put one foot forward.

 

I can go on and on, but I think I am just hitting a wall right now.  I will update this for a while if you want to keep tabs on me, I know a part of you still wants to make sure I am ok. Again, I am so sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to one day at least talk to me. I will for now, keep my distance. Please, be safe.

 

Sincerely,

Wify

Day 3

From the moment I woke up this morning time felt like it went slow. Hearing my phone vibrate next to me, knowing he is calling pushed a hole in my chest, but I still didn’t answer it.  I know it will snowball into something just as painful later. Just has I was feeling better, I am back to square one. Food escapes me as well. Lost weight the past 7 days. I’m trying so hard to function, but I can’t get enough  space to stumble back onto my feet. If he wants me to “let go” and be friends eventually I need time. I can’t be like him and be BFF 24 hours after having a hole punched in my heart.  I’m so tired. Everyone is in some way been telling me, to ignore him right now. That I will need to force space in between us. For my own sanity and health. Especially, if this is what he really wants. I can’t give him a time when I will be “over him”.  Love is something you don’t get over in 24 hours. No matter how many times you lie to yourself and stories you tell yourself repeatedly, love isn’t a game.

 

You don’t wake up  one day and stop loving someone. You don’t go from, “You are my everything. I love you so much”, to “I don’t love you anymore like that. I have feelings for someone else” over night. How sick and cruel does someone have to be to do that to someone? Can someone please explain, why people do that? Why? I am begging someone to help me understand. Shit, or was I just sooo stupid and gullible to TRUST him and believe in him. A good woman can be so jaded and hate love for all that it’s worth. Hell, I can see why people give up on it. The pain as no words. It just stops time as your body eats itself to survive. You try to find air so you can feel your chest move again. I guess you can say it’s like being held under water. Where everything is blurry and you’re struggling to move to reach the surface for air. Even if you manage to reach the surface, swimming for land is going to be rough. The waves are like the up and downs of life. They hit hard, and even sometimes drag you back underwater again.

 

I do know what I am worth. I see it. It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to first, swim my way to land to stand so I can walk the path I need too. Right now I am just hanging on to realize I need to eat, but food right now is something that is on the path of letting go. An the realization of that is just painful. God, I have a long path a head of me. So, here goes nothing…

-A

 

 

Day 2

Besides my body feeling like it has gotten hit by a mack truck, I woke up feeling I got this. Yes, I have my up and down moments, but it’s a start right? No matter how many promises were told to me even all the way up to yesterday, you take things one day at a time. Just right now, fighting an illness (with fever) do to being so stressed out and depressed can keep you from being on top of things. I should be resting and sleeping, but I am sitting here with my headphones on drowning  out the world, but I am sitting here spilling out to the world that I am hurting so badly, but shit, I am trying. I SWEAR!

I am trying to not believe anything anyone tells me right now, cause my mind can’t deal with trying to filter out the truth. OK,  I am lying, its my heart that can’t filter out the truth. My mind is all for picking through the truth with fine tooth comb. I’m just so exhausted. Just too stressful and painful. I don’t know how people can live with themselves with how they are with people. How they can look at themselves in the mirror everyday and think of cruel things to do to someone they claim are so in love with (and still are). I just don’t understand. Am I just gullible? Stupid? Someone please explain to me, why people are this way? Why promise and say things that can linger in a person mind and heart (specially in women) for a long time, and rip it all away? Then expect you to understand their reasons and answers, even though they don’t make sense and contradict everything they ever said and done.

I know the type of person I am. Let me list them for you all:

1.) I am kind (to kind apparently)

2.) Loving

3.) Sexy

4.) Smart (even though I get hurt in believing in people)

5.) Pretty

6.) Strong

7.) Forgiving person (even though I need to stop that, I think)

8.) Dreamer

9.) I have a big heart

So, someone tell me, why would someone want to break all that down? Number 6 on the list is right now trying hard to stand it’s ground, but it keeps getting hammered. Even the strongest person, falls to their knees and screams out in pain. Anyway, I am going to try to rest now and  see if food wants to agree with me right now.

-A

Day 1

Good Morning everyone. I literally woke up not to long ago. My coffee is still hot and my hair is still a total rats nest.  So, this post will be fueled by coffee.

 

My first thoughts this morning, was of, “Shit! You can do this!”.  My goal today is not to cry out of pain or frustration. Just putting one foot forward with my head held high.  I am learning that showing my feeling to some people is a weakness. They take what I do, and how I can be and use it against me.  Like they know how to, in a way, keep me in one place that will keep me running like I’m on a treadmill. I feel like I am getting somewhere but they are behind me like, “Nope bitch, you ain’t going no where! LOL”.  It’s horrible, I know. I am trying to find a way to keep a connection without there being one. If that makes any senses?! I have gotten told it’s best to cut all ties. To be very honest, it has crossed my mind. I deserve to smile, laugh and feel good everyday, all day.  Granted, in today’s world that’s hard to come by. You just have to have the right people in your world to keep you calm, sane and grounded.  To build you up, not rip you down. Love sometimes is letting go, so time and life can make you grow, learn and fix what’s needs to be fixed. And if your paths are meant to cross again, they will.

 

I am no saint though. I do let my flaws get in the way of things that could have worked. An recently, I learned that I do that a lot. It’s like I let something trigger my fears, and then they snowball into something much bigger. That is something I need to work on, and I got some good people in my life to help me with that. Also, I need to learn to stand my ground. Not to cave in so fast. If my gut is telling me no, I shouldn’t do it. I got work to do when it comes to me. So, if I lose people in my life while I try to work on the woman I am met to be, they are not meant to be in my life. Going to be a painful road, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Time to start walking that path. Now, this whole ordeal has gotten me sick. Like literally, fever, throats on fire, etc. So, I am going to go try this kick this shit in the ass. Wish me luck y’all. ❤

 

-A

Hello, again.

So,  here I am again stumbling back into the deep pits of laying out my words on a screen for all the world to see.  It has been a long time since I have been able to put whats on my mind onto paper, so to speak that is. I guess, life as brought me to this point again. Truthfully, I don’t know where to even start. I am just looking at my screen itching to spill what’s been dying to come out but words escape me.  This is not easy. I am fighting with myself to open my mind and let the world see the pain, dreams and anger. Though I know the eyes that will be reading these words will come back to haunt me. Or will it? Hell, I don’t even know how long or how much I will up date this. All I do know, writing words down on paper is a lot better than downing a bottle of a very delicious aged wine (or booze for that matter).

 

I have people ask me, “How can you go through so much, and function?”. Well, it’s all the matter of strength and will power. Fuck, hell I don’t fucking know myself. I just put one foot in front of me. Some days I am in a daze, some days I see clearly, other days I fall down a lot. But I always manage to get up. How? Again, I don’t fucking know. I feel like I need to scream and punch, slap and down right have a nervous break down. Just when I am about too, I put on a straight face and function. It’s not healthy, I know. Just hard when your friends and loved ones are everything to you, and something as fear can change everything. Even words that are said in anger and not meant in context, changing your out look on the person whom has said it to you. It can be a game changer. Is it for the good or bad? Only time can tell. Truthfully, I want to disappear for a while. Just if I do, people will think I left them and will no longer want to be in my life for odd stupid reason. Life for me right now is a mess, emotionally anyway.

 

Well, I’m tired. So, I will continue this tomorrow.

 

-A